"dick lit" by any means necessary
often asked whether "dick lit" is a mocking response to "chick lit"?
And while that may be true as a pure unadulterated marketing ploy to
bring men back into the reading fiction fold, more than likely it's the
other way around, since basically "dick lit" has been around long
before the idea of commitment to something other than himself became
the albatross (holding civilization as-we-know-it together) that man
had to come to grips with if he wanted to hold cavechick's attention
for any longer than it took to rub two rocks together. In fact, “dick
lit” has been around since the first caveman's curiosity stuck his dick
into the equation when he rubbed those two rocks together around it
until WANGO! He discovered, despite the pain (without gain), man cannot
live by fire alone, and understood for all time how important it was
for man to be able to get off by any means necessary. Which is the logo
for this crude, rude, often ridiculous quest that drives everyman's
ludicrous every waking and slumbering moment, towards the existential
drive for him to fill and refill the Holy and Unholy Grails of
existence with momentary proof that KILROY IS HERE, as opposed to the
much more noble creator's banner stating KILROY WAS HERE. For was ain't
is, no matter what monuments or monstrosities man leaves behind. Or how
much he would like to remember those long gone moments of good, bad or
indifferent ecstasy that make up the raison d'étre of his piddling
existence. So like it or not, “dick lit” is here to acknowledge the
good, bad and ugly that goes with it, as it celebrates every young
boyâ€™s quest to get off for the first time, everymanâ€™s quest to get off
the next time, and every old manâ€™s quest to get off one more time,
before there is no time left to get off on.
From Bukowskiâ€™s SIX
INCHES, the all time classic masterpiece of the then still undubbed
genre (now claiming accreditation as a low rent literary school), to
Joe Maynardâ€™s innocent jism flailing MISSIONARY POSITIONS, to the
desperate brutality of Joey Amdahlâ€™s LIFE OUTSIDE THE BOX, “dick lit”
no longer has to worry about skulking through the utilitarian sewer of
“no redeeming value”, since like it or not, “no redeeming value”
(except the writing) is the recognized heart & soul of “dick lit”.
MG / 8/25/06
Life Outside the Box
By Joey Amdahl
finally arrived. I had the UPS dude set it in the center of my living
room. A wooden crate the size of a small refrigerator. I have waited
eight months for today -- for what waits for me inside the box. After
trudging through my anticipation, my yearnings, my hunger -- I finally
feel in the present tense of my life.
I want to relish this moment
but my excitement makes me crazy. I twitch, shake, pace and sweat. I
touch the smooth wooden box, the crate -- what‘s lurks inside cost me
forty five thousand dollars -- my entire life savings. Relax, relax, I
try and tell myself. I pop open an ancient, half-empty, bottle of
Kendell Jackson thatâ€™s been sitting in my fridge for weeks and I take a
I dial my old pal John Rigsby on my cell. Pick-up, pick-up, pick-up.
“John, itâ€™s me bro. Itâ€™s FINALLY here.”
John mutters “Iâ€™m on my way and this better be good.”
shower, smoke a joint, do thirty push-ups, stare at the crate, check my
email, and then wait. John arrives wearing his black trench coat and
furry moon boots. Heâ€™s more weird than stylish. I met him at my old
Telemarketing job. He was my boss. I hated that job.
a hammer. Whatâ€™s in the box?” He accidentally steps on an empty pizza
box and crushes it under moon boot. “Dude, you got empty pizza boxes,
beer cans, trash -- you‘re filthy bro, you should think about cleaning
once in a while…”
“This is clean.”
John scratches his fat head with his fat hand and then kicks the pizza box across the room. “So whatâ€™s in the crate?”
“Whatâ€™s in the crate? I never thought that question would drive you so freakinâ€™ crazy.”
even know why I care man but you keep fucking building it up. If you
ever talked about anything else… Like politics or sports but you just
talk about... That.” He points to the crate.
I sit on the couch,
light a Parliament, and flip through the latest issue of Harperâ€™s
magazine -- which I don‘t know why I subscribe to because I never read
“Sooooo, letâ€™s open the fucker, Barry.”
“Not yet. You canâ€™t rush this moment.”
if you donâ€™t open the crate in the next fifteen minutes, Iâ€™m going to
beat you into a little pulp. -Asshole. And quit smoking. It annoys me.”
“Go home then! I donâ€™t care if youâ€™re here for this or not.”
“Iâ€™m not going home! Fuck off.”
“Then you better stop bitching.”
“Fuck it, letâ€™s open it.” I say while squeezing-out my cigarette in the overflowing ashtray.
pry the claw-end of the hammer in-between two boards and I begin to
pull. Within minutes the lid to the crate is off. The moment of truth.
I open it. It takes about twenty minutes to unwrap the girl. They have
her in there good, protected -safe.
“Holy shit man! She looks real.
She looks alive!” John takes three steps back.
We prop her into
a sitting position on the couch. She wears a flimsy flower dress. She
“The dimensions are like totally realx” He takes a
cautious step forward and stares at her face. “How do I get one of
I sit next to her and flip through her flimsy
instruction manual written half in Spanish.
“Well John. First you have to have about forty five thousand bucks. Do you have forty Gâ€™s?”
“No... Can I touch her breast?”
“Sure, but only over the dress.”
He gropes her but pulls his hand back. “She feels so good. So real.”
“Well John, thatâ€™s because thereâ€™s a thin layer of silicon lacquer covering her body and it makes her skin feel...”
“Can I have about half-hour with her?”
“Get the fuck out of here. Thatâ€™s gross.”
teeth are like real. And her hair. What did they put her together
with?” He opens her eyes with two fingers then runs his fingers down
her face to her chest.
“Sheâ€™s a high tech design, John. Sheâ€™s the Rolls Royce of blow-up dolls.”
“I gotta get me one.” He walks towards the door. “Well, Iâ€™ll leave you two alone.”
He turns “What did you name her?”
“I donâ€™t know. Iâ€™m leaning towards Melinda.”
He opens the door. “Youâ€™re a sick fuck but I sure wish I had one of those. No more lonely Friday nights, ehe?”
leaves. I couldnâ€™t tell John the truth. Itâ€™s one thing to make sweet
love to a really good looking blow-up-doll and itâ€™s another to make
love to... I couldnâ€™t verbally face up to the fact that Melinda wasx
built to last roughly three weeks in her present state. Shit. See,
Melinda had once been alive, had a family, had a life. She probably had
a string of boring jobs, a dog, a dream, all those other dumb things
that make us human. But now she was gone, dead, her body immured under
a layer of silicon and preservatives, her body drained of blood and
filled with a light rubbery foam -- stolen from a morgue and
essentially -mounted for the customer's pleasure.
For the next
hour and a half I fondle her -- trying to get hard. But nothing works.
Itâ€™s ironic that now that I own her, I donâ€™t fully want her anymore.
But sometimes an erection just takes a lot of work. Itâ€™s layers and
layers of fantasy, the right moment, a sense of safety, a need. I had
all those going. Just something wasnâ€™t working. My mind was getting in
So I take a break. I sit next to Melinda, her brown
hair messy and covering her unmoving eyes. I move her hand to my leg. I
wonder how she died? The Jackie Mcobb Company doesnâ€™t go into stuff
like that. It would ruin it to know anything about her previous
“Melindax Sweet Melinda.” I brush her brown hair
out of her eyes and move her semi-stiff arm inches over to my pajama
Nothing. Iâ€™m limp.
So I stand, walk to the
fridge, eat some cold KFC, sit back on the couch and watch an episode
of Golden Girls. I have no idea how this works but my mind starts to
construct a really twisted fantasy out of Bea Arthurâ€™s (Dorothy) image.
Before I know it, my handâ€™s down my pants and Iâ€™m harder than Easy E on
I whip it out and slap her face with it then I grab the
Johnsonâ€™s and Johnsonâ€™s baby oil. It doesnâ€™t take long before sheâ€™s
properly lubed and properly bent over the couch and Iâ€™m in it. But
something is wrong. Itâ€™s way too tight. And it clamps. I donâ€™t know how
I got it in there and for some reason itâ€™s not coming out. I relax. I
pull back. Nothing. Iâ€™m freakinâ€™ stuck. It must be the silicon
preservative. Damn it! I pull back again. My dick itâ€™s completely
submerged and stuck. I glance down at her leg to see a lone drop of my
blood slowly dripping down towards her knee. My blood! “ARGGGGH! FUCK!”
After fifteen minutes of excruciating pain, I reluctantly pick up my cell “John, John, please answer.” He doesnâ€™t pick up
drag Melinda, heavy and stuck to my dick, to the kitchen where I pick
out a dirty knife from the kitchen sink. I drag Melinda back to the
bathroom and I begin to saw. And saw, and saw, and saw. Iâ€™m breaking
bones, the foam rubber is going everywhere. My dick is bleeding and
still clamped in. With every turn of her mangled body, the pain
increases. Soon Iâ€™m thrashing around. Breaking more bones and reaching
to the bathroom counter for the bottle of Jergenâ€™s lotion. I rub the
Jergenâ€™s on as much of my self as possible and I pull. Itâ€™s
excruciating. I scream. In mid scream I glance in the mirror. My face
now purple and my eyes large.
I scream until my voice leaves me.
I fall to the ground--the imagery of my life flashing through my head.
All the good stuff. The birthday parties, pizzas, movies, late
afternoon naps, friends, the coffee, the everything else that makes
life worth living. But the pain is too much. With one final gasp I try
to plunge the knife down into my chest.
When I wake up, Iâ€™m in a
hospital bed. Soon the nurse explains that my neighbor Benny heard my
screams, called the police and they got there just in time to save my
ass. Iâ€™m going to live. Anyhow Iâ€™ve decided to lay off the dead girls
for a little while and maybe focus more on my dream of writing
political speeches. Life has a funny-ha-ha way of working itself out
“Twoâ€™s a dialogue, threeâ€™s a conspiracy.”
- Richard Nixon -
man comes out and goes into a ventriloquist act with his dick. First he
simulates stimulating himself, until out comes a humongous phallic
shaped dummy riding on his hand.
Get your hand off me!
I thought you liked that.
Well, I do, but weâ€™re doing a show now, arenâ€™t we?
This is what the showâ€™s about. A man and his dick.
You mean a dick and his man, donâ€™t you?
The Vagina Monologues would accuse us of pandering--
It goes without saying
--to the Lowest Common Denominator.
The lowest common denominator? Is that what you think I am?
Itâ€™s either all about sex or Democracy. You either get what you want out front, or sneak around back like--
I beg your pardon!
Thatâ€™s a first.
I told you twice, I told you thrice, I ainâ€™t workinâ€™ on Maggieâ€™s Farm no more.
I donâ€™t think youâ€™ve ever worked on Maggieâ€™s Farm, unless you were stalking Maggie when no one was looking.
Blame it all on me! Thatâ€™s right, blame it all on me!
not blaming anything on you. But my whole life youâ€™ve been
telling me what to do. Follow that blonde! Dig the tall
one! Look at that rack!
I canâ€™t help it if I like women.
And I donâ€™t!
Let me remind you, itâ€™s not me they call a misogynist.
or course not. Thereâ€™s no bias on you. Youâ€™re just a poor
helpless body part. I recall, when you were younger you once got it on
with a slice of calves liver. (option here to have Philip Roth read
liver section from Portnoyâ€™s Complaint)
Better than a rack of lamb.
I think you did that one too, but while it was still on the lamb.
If youâ€™re going to turn this into vaudeville, youâ€™d better talk to my agent.
The dick has an agent, ladies & gentlemen! Letâ€™s talk to the Dickâ€™s agent.
TO BE CONTINUED
(tune in for an interview with the dickâ€™s agent in DICK LIT #3)