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ASK DR. FAUSTROLL

ASK DR. FAUSTROLL, PATAPHYSICIAN

Dr. Faustroll is currently on ether sabbatical.  Filling in is the distinguished DR. LIGI, PATAPHYSICIAN
I stood on the bridge
and he said ligi
it aint worth it
and I said yeah
so what else is new
but he wouldn’t listen
he wanted to listen to reason
he needed some purpose
he was looking for love
go on I told him jump
go on jump
so he jumped
but you think anyone
gave me any credit

Dr. Faustroll commemodesecrates and misremembers
the St. Bernard Ballantine Gay Massacre of 1984

In these trying ergonomic times of phynancial hardship in the nation of miserable phucks (NOMPH™), it is good to dismember our past as we struggle onward and updike like Calvinist sperm donors carried hurriedly along on in a seminal river of spawned out ideas on the way from our ancestoral freedomocratic big bang wishes of idealistic orgasm to the whimpering violated gladhand place we find ourselves today, flopping around in spasms of hopeful despair while wondering how so few Madoff with so much while we were polishing the knobs on our Hummers.

Before the effete microbrew mafia absconded with America’s dream of a cheap and legal opiate substitute for the masses, real men loved Ballantine beer and ale. It was the preferred drink of Joe DiMaggio before he sold out to Mr. Coffee and licensed his name to Simon and Garfunkle for use in a film about the future of plastic people and Anne Bancroft’s affair with Frank Zappa.

Without Ballantine, P. T. Barnum would never have been able to sucker entire generations born with an addiction to the three-ring circus of patriotism, literalism, and alcoholism that has informed the NOMPH experience since what is now looking to be the Not-So-Great-Depression. You think that was bad? That wasn’t so bad.

Without Ballantine, there would be no porn industry, no conspiracy theorists, no reason to confuse Vin Diesel with Ice Cube, and no roman numbering scheme for one of the hundreds of meaningless American pastimes, including Superbowl XXX, in which the Grassy Knoll Cowboys defeated some fumbling team from Pittsburgh who had to spend the off-season standing on its heads after spending 60 minutes bumbling around Anaheim stadium like a bunch of liberal Pennsylvania Democrats up to their necks in shit.

Everyone remembers the day the music died as memorialized in Don McClean’s American Pie, which was even preformed at Biraq Hussein Osama’s pre-augural celebration by Garth Brooks, but who remembers Humble Pie’s paean to the wholesale slaughter of every living Ballantine afficianado in 30 Days in the Hole? Is there anyone whose eyes don’t tear up just a little when Steve Marriott (of that great hospitality family) growls:

Ballantine Brown can sure smack you down
You take a greasy whore who’s a rollin’ all around
You know you’re jailhouse-bound?

As I sit here re-reading Editor Ernesto Goldini’s instructions for preparing this commissioned piece in exchange for directions to a stash of magic mushrooms that may one day save the planet from accidental eradication, I am struck by how many similarities there are between the St. Bernard Ballantine Gay Massacre and current mass debate over the relative merits of various necronomic stimulus packages.

Think about it, people. Packages. Stimulus. During the Deciderific Bush administration, we would have been hunted down and captured and interrogated just for using those words in the same document, much less in the same paragraph. That I can put them together in the same sentence indicates that we have slipped the surly bonds of earth and spit in the face of God, with our penises!

Let’s look back at what we imagined might have happened during the St Bernard Ballantine Gay Massacre before the Enlightenment. Historians prefer not to look at that dismal day, because history is a tale told by the wieners, and this was not a great day for wieners.

This was a dismal day in which some of the best suds ever to destroy brain cells in the skulls of the best and brightest were spilled in a wanton display of disregard for all that pataphysicians hold sacred, such as inebriate debauchery and mindless posturing about situational aesthetics.

What? Oh, phuck, are you kidding me? I knew I should have changed the batteries. So what did I waste the whole afternoon making up shit that doesn’t mean squat to anyone except whoever is paying for this piece? What do you mean, as usual?

I just heard some co-workers talking about St. Valentine’s Day in the lunchroom. Apparently Val has something to do with driving Irish snakes straight into the snatches of English virgins, but I wouldn’t swear to it, considering how poorly my American-made hearing aid is working these days.

My cube mate wants me to join a protest in downtown Portland where she is going to “stick it to The Man” for exploiting love and affection and making it lead in a shallow direction meant to enrich Hallmark and FTD and Whitman’s chocolates and other corporate greed heads that want you to keep polishing the knobs on your Hummers.

But I’ve done all this research and I need to use it somewhere to calculate the impact of gay massacres upon American economics as well as the genetic predisposition of certain kinds of American hoodlums to commit certain heinous crimes over and over.

So I might as well give it to you straight, without help from Cialis or Viagra (slowly I turned, step by step) or other big pharma products that have helped put the fun back in erectile dysfunction.

Do you realize that Ballantine still produces beer and ale?
As it turns out there was no St. Bernard Ballantine, and even if there was, there was no gay massacre associated with the beer, the ale, or even the little rebus messages they put under the bottle caps. Does anyone realize that much of the evidence supporting conspiracy theories behind American assassinations first appeared as rebus puzzles from Ballantine Ale caps. Not Al Capp. Ale caps.

Can you see us Uncle Rebus?
So it turns out that all the imaginary effort I put into dropping the sugar into my absinthe and smoking a joint and snorting a line and tapping a vein while taking the daily fifth of Everclear will not save me from perdition or derision.

So I might as well share what I was at one point convinced demonstrated the pure and mindless love of our almighty creator in constructing so many of us so incompetently. Let me quote from myself on Wikipedia, writing about the St. Bernard Ballantine Gay Massacre:

Percy Michael Byron-Bolton frequently claimed that he and Jimmy Moran (who was also known as a Little Moron) were responsible for making sure that hit went off without a hitch. Byron-Bolton believes that the actual killers were Delta Burke, Henry Winkeler, Bernard Goetz, Jim-Bob Carey, Ted Nugent, and Lester Maddox (four shooters and two getaway drivers).

Imagine that. An exchange of gunfire more than 75 years ago between Capone and a Moron echoes today in the mindless pursuit of mediocrity that has become part and parcel of American ambition. The names are always the same, only the hosts are the different.

The next time you need a cold one, eschew those faggoty microbrews from effete snobs and esoteric investment bankers. Sit back and close your eyes. Imagine that wonderful three ring sign, and pour yourself a cold tall Ballantine.

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