BETWEEN A ROCK & A HARD-ON

How about sex offenders photos digitally installed in urinals & toilet bowls all over the country? They’ve got to feel it for what they did, not feel it for getting caught doing what they did.

an-irreverent-personal-cultural-historical-mythological-column-on-the-evolution-of-male-female-relationships


1
HOW ABOUT A MOUNT RUSHMORE FOR SEX OFFENDERS?

           Sinnerman’s turning himself in, girls. Forget finessing the situation like he usually does when he’s up against the wall, the stakes are too high for politesse. He just can’t take the pressure of thinking that one day soon Mary Lou Phillips is going to come out of the woodwork to turn him in for the crime of pulling her pigtails, 40 years ago, back in the fifth grade. What can I say? Sinnerman was not only too young to apologize in words back in the day, but probably too inexperienced in the ways of the world to know all he really wanted was for Mary Lou to get pissed enough to overpower him and sit on his face. Maybe that was Louis C.K.’s secret fantasy? Or maybe one goofy Al Franken needs to embrace in order to quit wallowing in undeserved self loathing, and join the bad boys club for real, that is, if he ever wants to get over being expelled from the back-stabbing corrupt goody-two-shoes Hall Monitors choir. 

           It should go without saying that while no sexual abuses against women should ever be tolerated, it also should be noted that unless the Me Too movement is going to throw all offending men under the same bus, in one fell swoop, the bus is not going to be able to run over them, much less get around the mass of guilty and surprised-to-be-Guilty boys and men that probably make up at least three-fourths of the male population from sea to shining sea. So even though that percentage is a conservative estimate, it’s going to be necessary to match each case up with each so-called situation, before deciding how to clean up the cultural mess and what punishments the acts really deserve, whether they went over the line or just danced on it. Loss of career, home, family, dog and genitals are all possibilities, depending on the degree of the offenses. Obviously, neither butt patting or rape should be tolerated, but they don’t belong in the same category of abuse, and if not patently separated, could easily be lumped together by the Trotskyites of the movement, before flushing all offenders careers down the toilet and locking the offensive pricks up permanently in the right designated penalty box or cock cage that fits their actions.                  

           Before you jump to the conclusion that Sinnerman is about to defend any of his brother swine already on record, it should be noted that whether the Ethics Police have the balls to go for it for real or not, he’s sure every tricky dick out there who hasn’t already been shot down in the prime of his precious Perv Place, will realize he can’t just keep on thinking he can outrun Mommy Nature. If you haven’t noticed, Mommy’s pissed, boys. Not just promising Daddy’s gonna kill you when he gets home-pissed either, because she’s finally realized Daddy is a perverted fuck-wad-doofus too, who probably spends all his spare time at home, out in the garage jerking-off over fantasies of getting it on with the kids’ babysitter, and if she wants anything done right in this world, she’d better fucking learn to do it herself.  And that does not include watching Louis C.K. masturbate in front of her to make up for the fact that her prude hubby won’t do it with her watching. If Louie were busking on a street corner, with his hat in one hand and his schlong in the other, he’d have a better chance of getting an audience to watch his standup without criticizing his right to perform it than he would dropping in unannounced at a comedy club, as long as he was funny. Comedy is about being funny, whether it’s lewd, crude or filled with get-screwed attitude. This is not funny, however. This guy definitely deserves serving time in some sort of penalty box, as do all dick holding members of the grosser sex, but who determines the length and form of the penalty he deserves? The audience, of course.  After all, what he did wasn’t a crime against anything but taste. If bad taste were an actual crime. . .use your imagination.

           There are contradictions of contradictions involved here. So if we want to take dealing with sexual abusers serious, we better get used to making fun of them, and our own upbringing and proclivities too. Not that if C.K.’s case were examined closely, he would be eligible for some kind of existential parole for the crimes he willingly confessed to, but maybe because of the incremental evolution of the balls that he’s demonstrated in exploring the dark side of male-female relationships in and out of his work. Unfortunately the work place too, which makes it harder to get a definition of what his penance should be, other than firing him, closing down his show, his production company, and whatever else the poor misguided bastard’s got. Because unless you want to lump his gross mindless or pre-meditated conscious act of self-destructive public self abuse to those of Dr. Larry Nassar’s physical examinations and manipulations of underage girls in the training room, even Mommy, in her enraged sweeping indictments of us creeps, wouldn’t go that far. Though she’s not quite ready to put the gross comedian in the “we can work with that” place that Matt Damon put both C.K. and the (https://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/matt-damon-opens-harvey-weinstein-sexual-harassment-confidentiality/story?id=51792548) sacrificially defrocked Democratic Senator from SNL’s school of How Not To Get Laid, in an awkward voice of reason interview he gave trying to break through the hysteria of the bandwagon, and chill everything out – though hysteria is without a doubt the exact wrong word to get women to chill, much less appease Mommy’s heightened sense of finally being pissed off enough to demand JUSTICE NOW, once she spotted an opening big enough to drive MOTHERFUCKING HARVEY’s fat ass out of the movie business he dominated, on a spit, like the pig he’s always been, through three decades of bullying EVERYONE – not just the women he had leverage over, while forcing everyone who worked for him to cover up the humiliating sexual crimes he used his power to plan, commit and get away with, until after 30-years of this shit, women finally started standing up and calling the scumbag out for the scumbag he’s always been. Why it took this long is not hard to say; the currency of bullies like Harvey is fear – You’ll never work again threats were more than threats with this prick (and historically for this chickenshit industry we all love and are entertained by as a whole). The threats were real every time this inhuman bowl of dog shit didn’t get what he wanted. Now that it’s out in the open, there’s got to be some hard core lessons for the good, the bad and the ugly abusers, illuminating them for everyone to see and make fun of, until they all feel as psychologically derided as Anthony Weiner might feel if he got caught playing with himself on line, and was sentenced to share the same cell with Dr. Larry Nassar.  And if you think it’s inappropriate to make light of someone as darkly sick as Nassar, realize the one thing that’s probably never been done to this serious douche bag is make fun of him. While Weiner turned himself into the Rupert Pupkin King Of Comedy for making a fool out of himself from his very first dick pic, he did time he shouldn’t have had to do for being a sex addict. But a lifetime in prison is not nearly enough retribution for Nassar, so it’s Dr. Fuckwad’s turn in the barrel now. Wouldn’t you like to watch that on that Reality TV?  

           I know I wouldn’t, and Sinnerman has threatened to pluck out his own eyes with a number 9 pencil to avoid having to watch America’s next Shark Hunt, but breaking a scenario like that down might boost the evolution of the Masters & Johnson type study on male sexuality. Weiner or Nassar, which one would be more puked out to be in the other one’s company is not a gimme, pud pullers. But it would be great fodder for SNL to jump the pathetically predictable level of their sketch comedy. Though nobody’s laughing at this shit but the Reichians, who used to practice various forms of abuse back in the ‘50s, in the pursuit of sexual liberation.  

If the humiliation of getting caught doing whatever kinky little thing you do is not enough to stop any of you low life pervs out there from humping the shark, before you end up in jug with the real creeps, perhaps some new kind of humiliating, inverted-Mount Rushmore monument to sex offenders will do the trick – How about their photos digitally installed into urinals & toilet bowls all over the country, for the duration of their sentences? Incarceration without shame is merely a vacation for these pricks. They’ve got to feel it for what they did, not feel it for getting caught doing what they did, if the message is ever going to connect with them.
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